I'm a bit concerned James maybe after my job! This is a fantastic review well done James. I think you should go on the next series!
Well it's my last night of curling up on the sofa covering my face in a mixture of horror and delight at the B&B owners on tonight's '3 in a Bed.' It's only the last episode of series 1 and already the programme is becoming pretty formulaic; representing the knobs we have Nick & Georgina of Grade 2 listed, 5 star rated, Frampton House in gorgeous rolling Dorset. In the pleb corner we have Pat & Wilf who's 3 star Granville is perfectly situated should you need deep fried cuisine and slot machines in England's glamorous North West. Not even in the ring (but hovering in an aura cloud just above) are Melvyn & Ann who's unrated Nut Tree Cottage couldn't be better named.
So first stay of the episode is to sunny Blackpool and our fellow B&B'ers pull no punches on the journey to Pat & Wilfs but from very different perspectives. Nick worries about his hubcabs, Geogina declares it not somewhere she would choose to visit. Melvyn rumminates over the environmental impact of the Illuminations. Ann just looks tired & bored by her husband. Inside it's clean, tidy & funtional for £50 a night what else could you expect? For the first time this series no one does a white glove, hotel inspector dust check, YAY!
Pat & Wilfs entertainment takes in the Golden Mile & bingo at the social. To Georgina it's like "Laura Ashley on an acid trip" but everyone joins in with the social club fun & we're treated to Nick's pink panted Dad dancing.
As you can imagine breakfast performs true to form, the only form of fruit comes from Mr Delmonte & everyone is presented with a plate your GP would proclaim as morbidly obese. The post breakfast check out scores Pat & Wilf 100% with everyone paying their £50 room rate.
So from the Vegas of the North it's off to experience some Southern hospitality. True to form the welcome at Frampton House is accompanied by a pack of black labs, shame they couldn't rustle up a minor royal to take tea with though. Nick & Georgina are truly welcoming & after depositing their guests in antique stuffed rooms leave them to inspect. Yet again no white glove tests or desperate dust seeking activities ensue, just a cup of tea & time for Melvyn to absorb a 'wonderful energy.' Despite the prospect of a good nights sleep in a comfy bed Ann looks as knackered as ever and has an emotional moment on the boat as our trio catch fish for tonight's dinner.
Despite Georgina's restaurant quality cooked dinner (a bargain at £25 per person including wine, price will increase after my stay) the knobs only score 95% with Wilf knocking off £5 for the lack of smoke alarms in the bedrooms & Pat being very concerned about being overlooked in the bathroom while doing her make up. Personally I think the sheep should be voicing their concerns. Melvyn & Ann pay 100% despite having as cold a nights sleep as always at different corners of the bed. (MELVYN, SHE HATES YOU!)
Last visit of the episode sees our intrepid B&B'ers off to Somerset for between the Cheddar Valley & Glastonbury Tor lies Nut Tree Cottage a rustic reworking of Steptoe's Yard. Our pre ad break exchange with owners Melvyn & Ann hadn't been 100% positive. "Are you looking forward to playing hostess?" "Not really, it's not my thing." Bodes well....
The rooms at Nut Tree Cottage look gorgeous, hand crafted, simple, clean & tastefully done. They might be Ann's Dorian Grey. Melvyn starts off the afternoon's excursion with meditation in the stone circle he built on ley lines after psychic messages. Wilf picks up the same messages in this special place, unfortunately his are from Vodafone, not quite the same calming effect. In a similar vein the afternoons coach rides takes his guests on a similar yawn inducing tour of spiritual sites, not even the spunk fountain raises a smile.
Breakfast proves the real trial as we watch Ann turn out plates of vegan sausages with an expression that just wants you to call Amnesty International & release her from her misery. The final scores on the doors are knobs 100% plebs £5 short, Wilf had trapped wind & was again worried about smoke alarms (please can someone tell them chip pan fires are not that common in the South.) So a draw with Frampton House & this week's winners of the 'Best Value Award' are Pat & Wilf at The Granville.
Interestingly it wasn't the car crash episode you'd expect to end a series, all the couples were incredibly aware they had different guests, markets & prices. What did you did notice was people's different reasons for doing B&B; for the knobs it's a steady income for when the stocks and shares aren't performing, for the plebs it's everything, job, life, pension, passion. Whilst at the Nut House it's needed, if not wanted, to pay the mortgage.
Quite a heart warming episode & I was almost tempted to call Channel 4 about about the next series and then I realised - ARE YOU F*****G BONKERS!!!
James runs The Ashton B&B in Lancaster. He'd love you to stay and write a review!
The Ashton
Wyresdale Road
Lancaster, LA1 3JJ
01524 68460
North West Tourism Awards B&B of the Year 2009/10
Lancashire & Blackpool Guest Accommodation of the Year 2009/10
@bandbclub
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